One night after a particularly rough day, I found myself looking in the bathroom mirror, after a long hot bath. No make-up on just a towel, droplets of water on my décolletage, steam on the bathroom mirror. One tear slid slowly down my cheek. Still unsure if it was the emotions of the day or the realization that I did not see myself the way that God sees me.
Two things happened that night. I prayed and I cried. I cried and I prayed. I really wanted to see myself the way God sees me. I really desired to know him more, in a deeper way, and to acquire more understanding. I did not realize it at the time but He knows the desires of my heart.
On my birthday, April 24th I was contacted by a photographer to do a session. I should have known it would be a life changing experience because everything that could go wrong that weekend leading up to the photo session went wrong. It was a early, chilly, brisk but sunny morning. I showed up in a ho hum mood, and with feelings of inadequacy. In no time the camera was snapping, I was taking direction from the photographer, and it turned out to be a great photo session.
The pictures captured my true essence and a peaceful elegance that I have not seen in quite a while. In those early morning moments I connected with nature, my photographer and with God ( the goddess) within. That session also solidified my friendship with my photographer and a business relationship was formed. Finally I was able to see myself as God sees me. Peaceful. Elegant. A overcomer. Beautiful and existing in a space that was created just for me.
The guy that I have been crushing on for over two years is on his way to meet me at Starbucks.
Quite a few things have happened since I met and had a conversation with him back during the first quarter of 2015, but this blog is not about that. Aside from a slew of disappointing encounters ( update blog forthcoming) and a flame for ” The Guy” that just wont burn out, nothing was stopping me from reaching out to ” The Crush”. One night he liked a picture on my Instagram and I immediately posted a Bitmoji with the caption OMG my crush just liked my picture, then deleted it about a hour later. I am just a girl with a crush that is scared of rejection and maybe a little apprehensive about coming on to strong to say something.
One sunny Sunday afternoon I slid into his Facebook DM’s and told him that I missed his posts that he used to post on Sundays. That lead to a cool conversation which eventually lead to him meeting me today at Starbucks.
I swear it was like the day before the first day of school. I woke up early, did my makeup and conjured up all of my black girl magic and headed to Starbucks. I arrived first, ordered and grabbed a seat outside. I am sure that time stopped and everything moved in slow motion ( like in the movies) for at least 4.5 seconds. My heart was beating so fast and loud. I told myself I was too grown to be acting like a nervous school girl and to calm down and breathe. I can not remember the last time a man looked me in my eyes and walked so confidently towards me and demanded my attention like that. I am willing to bet that his zodiac sign is a Leo. I was a captivated and willing audience of one letting him control the conversation. I sat right leg crossed over left , with my elbow on the table and my fist under my chin listening intently, and responding when necessary. His chocolate skin, conversation, and five o’clock shadow with a little salt and pepper in it was distracting me ( in a good way) and all of the cleaver things that I wanted to say would not make it from my head down to my mouth.
My day started off with smiles, Starbucks, a great conversation and even a couple of book recommendations. It could be something or it could be nothing at all. He said he would like to read some of my work so maybe one day I will give him the link to this post. I wonder if he will know this is about him? For now I am still smiling that goofy, toothy, corny smile, and spinning around in my chair at work saying I had breakfast with my crush in that quiet sing song way. Today was a good day.
What is sauce?
Sauce is used to describe someone who has style, grace, confidence, a magnetic smile. Someone who is considered attractive and generally described to others as out of their league. People think that a woman with a lot of sauce can have their pick when it comes to dating and dating prospects.
Well I consider myself sauceless in the city because I keep coming up short in the men, slash dating, slash relationship, slash meeting people department. Over the years I have tried Tinder, letting friends hook me up, mixers ( remember the guy) , Facebook and even meeting people face to face but seemingly all roads lead to Singleville.
I’m sauceless in the city and this is my story.
It is amazing how looking at a picture can bring back so many memories. I remember the day this picture was taken. I was sitting in the passenger seat. It was one of those beautiful picturesque days. The sun was shinning bright. The temperature had to be around 78 degrees, neither hot nor cold. Summer was coming to an end. I had my feet up on the dash board and snapped this picture of myself while sitting in the car wanting on “The Guy”. He said he wanted to take me on a date and to my surprise we actually ended up spending the entire day together. We went to a stage play put on by local actors, had lunch at a really cool Asian fusion restaurant, and then met up with some of his family and friends for an end of the summer picnic and gathering. It was just one of those weekends that I never wanted to end and I was so happy that we were together enjoying each others company. His family and friends genuinely embraced me and accepted me as I was without hesitation.
“I have never had anyone around my family before.”
“Do you take other women on dates?”
“I don’t take you on dates…. I spend whole days with you.”
My inner goddess sure was pleased that day but unfortunately that was the exception to the rule. We never spent a day like that together again.
I’m in the driver seat now. I can honestly say that we never shared many bad times. Intentions were good but after nearly a year and a half of dealing with each other he still isn’t ready for me and what I have to offer. There is a quote that says “No matter how good of a woman you are, you will never be good enough for a man who isn’t ready.” That quote is not only cleaver but very true.
Life is for the living. Enjoy the ride.
She’s only 32.
It just doesn’t seem fair that she would be battling breast cancer.
Wife, mom, student, sister, daughter, friend, and soon to be survivor.
Initially they thought we were dealing with stage 1 cancer with no chemo and no radiation.
Things aren’t always what they appear to be.
Stage 3 cancer, 8 rounds of chemo and radiation are needed and it has spread into the lymph nodes .
A partially mascetomy was completed and a port was put in.
After only one week of radiation an unexplainable high fever would send her to the ER only to discover a infection in the breast and a blood clot around the port.
This week her hair started falling out in clumps.
I visited her in the hospital yesterday and even in her weakened state she just wanted to make sure that I was ok.
I kissed her forehead at the end of our visit.
Inside of my car I rested my head on the steering wheel and I cried.
Over the past year if you have been keeping up with my blog you have seen peeks of “The Guy” sprinkled through out. We’ve connected, disconnected and reconnected several times over these last 13 months. So what’s different this go around? Well this bittersweet goodbye was his idea. We didn’t have a big falling out or anything. He basically hit me with the textbook ” it’s not you it’s me” spill. I said ok. By then I was all talked out I didn’t have any thing further to say.
I did receive a text from him saying he was sorry about my loss. I was half tempted to respond back and ask if he was referring to us or my grandfather? I didn’t respond but it did remind me that we were connected on social media so I corrected that. I try not to invest my time and energy into the would’ve could’ve should haves in life, but I can’t help but wonder if things would have played out differently if we both put in maximum effort.
Dealing with death and lost has been very draining for me but I’ve been so busy at work and with my children that it hasn’t taken me under. I’m grateful for that because depression is real and if you don’t guard your mind, heart and space it’s easy for it to creep in.
I am leaving for the Pinky Promise women’s conference this week and I am so excited. I really need to be renewed, revived and poured back into and this will be the perfect opportunity for that. While I am at the conference, my ex husband is getting married to the person he stepped outside of our marriage with. So not only will I be dealing with him the rest of my life but her as well. My parents accepted the invitation so they will be attending as well.
When I think about all the events going on in my life I can’t help but laugh. It’s almost surreal that this is my life right now. I’ve got a lot of living to do and I’m looking forward to the summer of fun. After all there is no where to go from here but up.
I haven’t been blogging for selfish reasons. I’ve been putting my thoughts in my journal instead. I know both ” The Guy” and ” Mr. Creativity” peek in on this space from time to time so I intentionally took a break. Which is part of the reason I am at home on a perfect kid-free Saturday.
I wanted to go to a event tonight but I knew there would be a chance that I would run into ” The Guy” so I decided not to go. We didn’t part on bad terms (details forth-coming) but since we’ve parted ways I haven’t returned any of his calls or texts.
My grand father died and no one hugged me except some old lady at work who smells like moth balls. Her condolences were real and heart felt. I feel she really is going to pray for my family and not just say that she will because of formality. I called my birth dad to let him know about the death because rumor has it he kept in touch with granddaddy over the years. This man offered up no condolences just said my car insurance agent is about to call let me call you back. I am grateful for inner resolve and inner strength because I really only have myself to depend on. Everyone is far to busy, far to self absorbed. Maybe people assume I’m always ok because I do my process behind the scene. I wasn’t super close with him, but my sadness and grief comes from seeing my mom go through the process. I haven’t lost a parent to death and I can’t imagine what that feels like. Death certainly brings out people’s true colors and it’s been hard for me to sit back and watch things unfold. I’m glad his suffering is over. This has been a long process and I am looking forward to having my mom back. Working during the day, spending nights at the hospital, making final arrangements, back to back phone calls, it’s been quite the process and it seems as if I watched my mom age 5 years in the last few weeks.
Since the last time I blogged many things have happened in my life. I started my new position at work. I finished the man fast. Went separate ways with ” The Guy”. My sister came home from college. My daughter graduated from kindergarten and both children are out of school for the summer. My lease is up in August, and I’ve been looking for places. “Mr.Creativity” is on the run again ( the last time we were out of contact 7 years). Grandfather died and so much more.
We all go through things. Will you let those things break you or build you? Will you learn the lesson or keep repeating the same mistakes?
I’ve declared that this will be the summer of fun and although I’m off to a bit of a rough start I can’t wait to experience some new things.