Self improvement

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I don’t put my energy into looking for a mate. I put my focus on being the best me. Being the best me doesn’t guarantee that the man of my dreams is going to magically appear or stay in my life but it sure doesn’t hurt anything. When I am my best self, I feel good and that type of feel good energy is something that isn’t easily given away. I take being happy very seriously and I  don’t take life for granted. Sure I have bad days. Who doesn’t? Even a bad day has a good moment if you know where to look. I choose happiness.

        Single but not ready to Mingle

Good intentions don’t lead to dates.

     The news team warned that horrible inclement weather, extreme cold, and snow was just 2 hours away. I was walking briskly into the store on this cold winter morning and that’s when he spotted me. He was the color of peanut butter with freckles that looked like little chocolate specks of Hersey kisses dotted along the center of his face. He had a welcoming smile with sparkly white teeth and lips the color of peach crayons. I locked eyes with him, smiled and kept walking. He was on a call but quickly ended the conversation and jogged back into to the store to meet me. He said something about me having a pretty smile and welcoming energy. We exchanged numbers. Had a few exchanges via text message and even a couple of hour long conversations. Through our conversations I learned he was about 5 years older then me, had never been married, no kids, didn’t smoke or drink, loved his mom , visited her regularly, was employed and a cool person overall.
     My free time and his free time didn’t always line up. In fact it never did. He would text me. I would text right back. Then our communications became less frequent. So I took his lead. He would call or text infrequently. I would respond back just as infrequently. We intended to meet for Starbucks or for a movie but again good intentions don’t often lead to dates. I knew I would add him to the block list after he suggested that he could just come over to my place. NO SIR! NO YOU CAN NOT! He then invited me to his place and I declined. I just don’t think you know someone well enough after a month or so of conversations and texts and no additional meetings in between to come over to their home. Maybe I am old fashioned. Maybe I am out of touch. Maybe I am reading too much into it. However, people are crazy and you can never be too careful. I would rather error on the side of caution then to end up missing.

Single and Not Ready to Mingle

I am a reflection of you.

I love the song the Truth by India.Arie. Specifically the line that says and if I was my reflection of him then I must be fly! Whenever I step foot out of my home I am a reflection of those who I represent. So I must be fly! I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a co-worker, etc. I owe it to them and to the world to present my best face and to put my best foot forward. For me this doesn’t mean that I am in full face makeup and high heels on a daily basis. It does mean I am pleasant, approachable, wearing my best smile, and ironed clothes. I don’t wear sweat pants, hair bonnets (including scarfs and durags) or yoga pants (unless I am heading to the gym) out in public. ( If you do don’t be offended it’s just not my thing)  How can I be a Christian (representative of Christ) and speak prosperity, blessings and overcoming. If my look speaks broken, bruised, battered and struggle? A nice pleasant outer appearance says I take pride in how I look. A pulled together look can change your whole demeanor. As a single woman who doesn’t really mingle I never know what corner Mr. Right is behind. He could be at the grocery store, gas station, drug store, or even in the next traffic lane at the red light but when he sees me I am going to be ready.

I once had a conversation with a friend of mine who stated, “I have met men before dressed in sweats and my hair in a scarf” and I replied “The type of man that I am attracted to and want in my life require me to look a certain way. They are not attracted to that look.” Not trying to be rude but that’s my reality.  I am not implying that you should work only on the outside, the inside should be worked on as well. What I am saying is that sometimes presentation can make the difference. For instance the same exact meal can be served at 2 different restaurants, a high end restaurant and a low end restaurant. The difference is going to be the service and the presentation.

Be proud of who you are, what you do and what you can bring to the table. You can speak yourself happy. You can think yourself happy. You can dress yourself happy.  Package yourself up in a way that presents your best self because after all you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

first impression

Single but not ready to mingle

 

 

 

He loved me to death.

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In the quiet stillness of the night my thoughts spoke the loudest. Who are you? I sat up straight in the bed. Another night waking up in a cold sweat, one sock on, bed sheets twisted around my leg. I hoped out of the bed and walked down the hall to the kitchen in a sleep induced stupor. I opened the refrigerator, half blinded by the light. Who are you? Unable to shake that thought I realized that up into this moment I hadn’t really given it much consideration.

See I had began to live a life defined by titles, servitude, and activities but who was I? I was in a relationship and he was loving me to death. In loving him, I was losing me. Everyday I was dying a million tiny little deaths unaware. In loving him my hopes, dreams and aspirations died just like anything that goes neglected and uncared for dies. Self esteem, self confidence, self love moved out. Isolation and depression moved in. Happy on the outside, broken to pieces on the inside, but still functioning and existing in this thing called life.

I let him love me to death. I surrendered who I was willingly in exchange for his love and affection and lost myself in the process. When things began to happen that caused us to go our separate ways I held on as tight as I could, for as long as I could. I felt the burden of yet another failed relationship and the cost of losing me was a heavy burden to bear, but not as burdensome as being single again.

As I reflect I would not go back and change a thing. Every hurt, every disappointment, every tear that I cried, every sleepless lonely night, every bout of depression pushed me closer to the women I needed to be today. Stronger, wiser, and more self sufficient. He loved me to death ( I let him) but I survived.

Single but not ready to mingle

Day 100 Accutane (isotretinoin, Absorica) Update 1.26.14

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If you are following my blog for acne/ Accutane/ isotretinoin updates today is DAY 100. I am so excited that I made it to day 100 and I am finally seeing some improvement. The blackheads that were on my forhead are about gone, one cheek is showing signs of clearing and the other cheek still has cystic acne and regular acne. Its stuborn and doesnt want to clear up.
Next updates will be :
Day 110 2.5.14
Day 120 2.15.14
Day 130 2.25.14
I picked up my 70 mg rx yesterday.

The power of saying no.

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I am the type of person who always wants others to be happy. As a text book people person,  I’ve been guilty of saying yes to often, over booking myself, and over extending my kindness and hospitality. I’ve been hurt in the past when I’ve been there for people and needed people to be there for me and they weren’t. Those experiences were humbling and heartbreaking but necessary nevertheless.
This year I’ve gotten in touch with the power of saying no. The power for me is not in saying no but saying no and not feeling bad about it. When I say no it is not always well received but I make sure that my actions reinforce my statements.
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No, no, no.