A moment of solitude

I don’t always want to be pursued, dated, courted. On most days I don’t yearn for a mate, and I don’t desire to exist in the confines of a relationship. I don’t always desire to be one half of a whole. I feel very complete just here by myself.
I would like a hand to hold. A shoulder to lay my head on, a extra set of ears to enjoy listening to the wind stirring the leaves simultaneously creating a beautiful unintentional melody on a wind chime. The rhythmic breathing, in sync heartbeat, that is not my own. A moment of solitude. To bask in a shared peaceful moment. To quiet my thoughts. To hear from the universe. Stolen moments. To know that the world can be mean, cold, and chaotic but I am untouchable because I am peaceful, lovable and full of joy. Just because I exist. I am wonderfully made. I am a dreamer.

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Are you killing the game or is the game killing you?

In life you can decide if you are going to give your all and succeed ( kill the game) or if you are going to complain, give half an effort, blame others for your failure, and make everyone else miserable ( game killing you). The past few weeks have been a little bit challenging for me and through it all I didn’t always have a good mindset or a positive outlook. In retrospect, it’s really simple. If you don’t like something change it. If you can’t change it maybe your prospective is all wrong. Going through something will always reveal your true self, and your true friends. While going through I have noticed that negative people are bad for my head space. I need really positive people around me at all times. A few of my friends have really stepped up in unexpected ways and that really just warmed my heart. It costs nothing to be nice and yet there are those who still don’t think they can afford it. Self Check : Am I killing the game or is the game killing me? Adjust accordingly.

What happened to THE GUY?

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What ever happened to The Guy?
Well we met in May. He was everything that was on my list that I wrote about on July 10, 2014 Rough draft perfection ( http://wp.me/p3WdKy-CS ) without even trying so naturally I fell hard and fast for him . He fell for me in his own way. I am only interested in a serious, committed relationship leading to marriage ( courting). His actions indicate that he is interested in a situation-ship. A Situation-ship is some undefind, we are kinda dating, but not really dating, kinda exclusive but not official, only seeing each other with a option to see other people, I spend time with you, but I spend time with other people also, dating gray area nonsense.

One day I decided that this situation-ship isn’t working for my life and went into block mode. No calling, no texting, I blocked social media and his number from calling me. Done with a capital D. But before I got a chance to dust of my female empowerment playlist and dance around my living room in my boy shorts and tank top, I received a email from The Guy. A short, sweet, you told me but I didn’t believe you, but I get it email. A sincere sentiment. I went back and forth with myself for 5 days before I responded. I responded, aired my grievance , he responded I thought we were on the same page.

Things were totally awesome for about 3 weeks. We went on a date, communication was great, I felt like we were existing in our version of courtship, I felt like we were both putting in time and effort, then I started feeling the dating pendulum swing back towards a situation-ship. I’m being generous when I say that the good morning, and good night texts and most of the texts that fit snugly between good morning and good night became infrequent. Nonexistent would probably be more accurate. Those long, deep conversations vanished. We had a set weekly day that we would see each other, which is now more of a tentative day that doesn’t happen more times than it does. Those missed phone calls and unanswered texts remained missed with no real effort from either of us to return them.

What’s really disappointing about the whole thing is that when we are on the same page we really are a force to be reckoned with. In those rare moments everything lines up : the sun, the moon, the mountains, the stars all those things that singers write love songs about ALL OF THAT!!. So what happened to The Guy? Nothing happened to the guy. I fell for some potential relationship energy and haven’t quite figured out how to convert it to kinetic relationship energy.

I don’t know if this is were my story with The Guy ends or if this is some plot twist that makes for a really good story with a happy ending. What I do know is that I am not interested in pursuing something with anyone who is unwilling or unable to match my efforts. Relationships like anything else require time, energy and effort to grow and without it failure is the expected and intended outcome.