Stretch. I bend but don’t break!

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Stretch means that you bend but don’t break. I was carrying 150 pounds, on a 5’5 frame, fitting snuggly into a size 10 jean. Life was very good for me, and I had very high self esteem. I was curvy and blessed with the “coke a cola bottle” shape. I received the family blessing/ curse of a large chest and I probably noticed faint white stretch marks on the apples of my breast around age 20. Eight years later I added 70 pounds courtesy of being pregnant and that’s when I noticed stretch marks on my hips, and lower back.They were abundant all over my growing belly. I began a weight loss journey at 202 pounds. I used to hate my stretch marks but now I love looking at them. They are little reminders that I have been through things with my body that has allowed me to bend but not break. My body is quite resilient. It has been though weight gain and weight loss, 2 cesareans, a major surgery, bra sizes from 32 DD up to a 36 GG and everything in between, a size 2 up to a size 22 and has been described as everything from skinny, little, just right, thick, and fat.  I am healthy. I am strong. I am not on any medications. I continue to be amazed at how good I feel when I am eating right and working out.  I am strong. I am resilient. I stretch because I bend and don’t break.

Sweet dream. Beautiful night mare. Day dreaming,

6:34 am on a Sunday. He’s so intrusive. He shows up in my dreams at least once a week. I don’t want to like. I don’t want to love. I don’t want to be in love. Durning waking hours I find my self letting my thoughts drift off. I’m day dreaming about wearing headwraps, having locs, being pregnant and having all of his chocolate curly haired babies. I’ve always dreamt of chocolate curly haired babies at least 10 years. Tonight he’s standing by a big cherry wood antique dresser with a oversized mirror cleaning a ring. His back is turned to me. He’s going on and on about one of his friends meeting someone and falling in love with them in two weeks. He says it’s pretty serious and his friend is going to propose. He asks me what I think about it. I roll my eyes, and blow air, my usual response. Why do you always have time for other people and not me? I’m sitting cross legged on the wood floor in the same room staring at the incense smoke billowing up towards the ceiling in the corner. It has me entranced I’m sure. I’m focused on the lovely dance the incense smoke is doing towards the ceiling. I can’t believe the thought that was in my head crossed my lips. Why do you always have time for other people and not for me? Lost in my thoughts. He’s kissing my face and tickling me now. But I’m here now – his usual response. I swear I want to be mad but I just can’t be. I’m laughing so loud the sound wakes me up momentarily I feel myself stir but I don’t wake up. To my delight and surprise I’m still dreaming. We are laying on the floor in our usual positions. Him on his back with one arm behind his head. I’m laying on my side with my head resting on his chest, my arm and legged draped possessively over his. I look up and my manger from work is standing in the door way. I’m confused as to why she is here. I look at him but his eyes reveal nothing. She says I have some news for you. He has received a promotion and will be moving to another state tomorrow. I am devastated. But why? I whisper. Everything that I want to stay leaves and everything I want to leave stays. I’m awake. Wide awake now staring into the darkness with more questions than answers. I know we should talk soon but for now I frantically search for my iPad. For now I write….

Relationship Goals

Relationships are a lot of work for all involved and everyone isn’t well equipped to be in one ( exclusive dating ), maintain one (courting), and grow one ( a successful marriage ). If I could ever customize a relationship this is what I would want it to look like.

He will

He will be a leader and have a vision.

He will correct me when I am wrong with love.

He will inspire me to think new thoughts.

He will pray for me, enjoy my company and be considerate.

He will know who I am and appreciate what I bring to the table.

He will give me the space to be creative and the structure to facilitate growth.

He will be the authentic.

We will flow together effortlessly like a stream flowing into a river.

I will

I will be submissive and take direction and guidance with love and care. He will be a leader. I will trust his vision for us.

I will accept correction with an open mind and open heart.

I will be accepting of a higher level of consciousness.

I will pray for him even more than I pray for myself, enjoy his company and be considerate of his time and other obligations.

I will appreciate his contributions to whatever we are working on individually and collectively.

I will create an environment that is conducive to growth.

I will be authentic.

We will flow together effortlessly like a river flowing into a lake.

 

I want more than you can give

The clock reads 4:54 am. Such a early time. It’s quiet, dark, cold, eerie , still at this time of morning. No moon to provide light in darkness. The sun has yet to rise. No cars zipping noisily up the street crunching snow beneath their tires. Welcoming silence that allows my thoughts to speak loudly or the stillness of the morning coerced me to wake. I’m awake. Wide awake with thoughts that won’t allow contentment until they are out of my mind and resting comfortably between the pages of my journal or until they are keyed by iPad awaiting their internet debut.
How can I be so sure? Subsequent days at this pre five am hour. I’ve prayed, read the bible and meditated still the words I want more than you can give lend a strong presence in my current thought process. The slight stickiness under my neck reminds me that I was bothered at some point during the night and I cried those long hot tears while laying on my back. The kind of tears that gather at the base of my neck. I remember tears sliding from my face and vanishing amongst the darkness into my bedsheets and pillow as I rolled over to my side. My face feels puffy and I don’t need a mirror to know it bears remnants of tear streaks.
I want more than you can give . If I want more than what the other person can give it doesn’t make either of us bad people. It does however create more problems than solutions. Timing is everything.