I miss him. Especially on nights like tonight when there’s a chill in the air and the moon is big and full in the dark, foggy, sky. He had a fascination with the moon and over time I began to see the moon with great admiration as well. On nights like tonight we would chat about how the same robust, round moon could be viewed all over the world. We would create the most tender, delicate, sexual energy on these types of nights and end up in each others arms with the moon peeking ever so gently through the blinds. He would lay on his back, while I lay on my side, my head resting on his chest, my leg draped over both of his. I dozed off so many times in those peaceful, still hours just before dawn, listening to the slow beat of his heart.
Just as the moon sits in the sky, “ The Guy” sis in my heart. Like the moon peeks through the blinds he peeks though my thoughts from time to time. The words I love you never slipped from my lips to his ears or from his lips to my ears but maybe like the moon it’s always been there existing and on nights like this I hope he’s thinking of me too.
An Ode to The Guy because all endings aren’t happy.
I have never felt as empty as I did when I went to have a ultrasound and there was nothing up on the monitor. The ultra sound tech went pale and I knew that something was wrong. My boyfriend at the time did not know what was going on.
No heartbeat. Nothing but a empty sack and a room heavy and cold, dense with emotion. I could not stop the tears from falling when the words blighted ovum escaped from the lips of my OBGYN.
I tried to be strong. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to be filled with emotions. Too many questions swirled around in my mind. I had positive pregnancy tests. I had the morning sickness, the cravings, and I actually looked very round in my belly area. I felt my body betray me.
My doctor said that my body should pass the sac and start the miscarriage process on its own but after a couple of weeks we had to schedule a D&C. My body did not want to let it go and neither did I. I went into surgery surrounded by my mom, grandma, and boyfriend. I fell asleep with one tear streaming down my face.
The vibrant, loving, free spirited, nurturing woman that I once was, gone. I felt a piece of her die in the operating room. I felt like a stranger in the body that I have lived in for over 30 years. I slid into depression and suffered in silence. Depression fells like you are walking around with sunglasses on. Your sunny days are not as sunny and your gloomy days feel like the end of the earth.
I am no longer that relationship and I’ll never know why I went through this experience. I have finally found peace in knowing that as sure as we live we all must surely die. I never had the opportunity to hold the baby in my arms but I will hold her in my heart forever and October will never be the same.