I have never felt as empty as I did when I went to have a ultrasound and there was nothing up on the monitor. The ultra sound tech went pale and I knew that something was wrong. My boyfriend at the time did not know what was going on.
No heartbeat. Nothing but a empty sack and a room heavy and cold, dense with emotion. I could not stop the tears from falling when the words blighted ovum escaped from the lips of my OBGYN.
I tried to be strong. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to be filled with emotions. Too many questions swirled around in my mind. I had positive pregnancy tests. I had the morning sickness, the cravings, and I actually looked very round in my belly area. I felt my body betray me.
My doctor said that my body should pass the sac and start the miscarriage process on its own but after a couple of weeks we had to schedule a D&C. My body did not want to let it go and neither did I. I went into surgery surrounded by my mom, grandma, and boyfriend. I fell asleep with one tear streaming down my face.
The vibrant, loving, free spirited, nurturing woman that I once was, gone. I felt a piece of her die in the operating room. I felt like a stranger in the body that I have lived in for over 30 years. I slid into depression and suffered in silence. Depression fells like you are walking around with sunglasses on. Your sunny days are not as sunny and your gloomy days feel like the end of the earth.
I am no longer that relationship and I’ll never know why I went through this experience. I have finally found peace in knowing that as sure as we live we all must surely die. I never had the opportunity to hold the baby in my arms but I will hold her in my heart forever and October will never be the same.
Transparency Moment: 2017 has been the hardest year of my life. ( 2009 was a close second) 2017 came along with residual damage from 2016. Dealing, with 3 major losses and by February I knew I was heading down a deep dark path. What’s worse – People pretending to be your friend while looking at you sympathetically, offering empty words of encouragement they don’t even believe, then talking about you behind your back and in your face. ( family too) waiting to cheer your demise. Or pretending to have it all together on the outside while secretly dying a thousand tiny deaths everyday? Anti depressants couldn’t save me, the will to live didn’t entice me, prayers didn’t reach me, food and alcohol didn’t comfort me. I allowed men and one sided friendships take advantage of me. Life left me with more questions then answers. On 9.8.17 I went to seeking a word and left renewed. A sweet voice saying daughter you shall live and not die and in that moment I knew I would never be the same. Saturday came along with a message to Bling. Sundays message Godly interruptions was icing on the cake. This week has been hard but oh so worth it. I’m coming out on the other side. A warrior goddess, more confident than ever, the great Phoenix rising. My anger and disappointment fuel my will to live. My smile lights my path. My bitterness was for my betterment.
He makes me feel like a ignited sparkler.
Glowing bright and throwing sparks everywhere, but quickly fizzing out.
Although our interaction was brief it was much needed in my life.
We had great thought provoking conversations that grew me on a personal and spiritual level. I wrote out my personal mission statement. I was able to get some very good book recommendations, write a poem, and pick up blogging again. But most of all I was able to face my fear of rejection and tell him that I had a crush on him.
I am not sure what the future holds but I am living life and considering things in a different way.
One night after a particularly rough day, I found myself looking in the bathroom mirror, after a long hot bath. No make-up on just a towel, droplets of water on my décolletage, steam on the bathroom mirror. One tear slid slowly down my cheek. Still unsure if it was the emotions of the day or the realization that I did not see myself the way that God sees me.
Two things happened that night. I prayed and I cried. I cried and I prayed. I really wanted to see myself the way God sees me. I really desired to know him more, in a deeper way, and to acquire more understanding. I did not realize it at the time but He knows the desires of my heart.
On my birthday, April 24th I was contacted by a photographer to do a session. I should have known it would be a life changing experience because everything that could go wrong that weekend leading up to the photo session went wrong. It was a early, chilly, brisk but sunny morning. I showed up in a ho hum mood, and with feelings of inadequacy. In no time the camera was snapping, I was taking direction from the photographer, and it turned out to be a great photo session.
The pictures captured my true essence and a peaceful elegance that I have not seen in quite a while. In those early morning moments I connected with nature, my photographer and with God ( the goddess) within. That session also solidified my friendship with my photographer and a business relationship was formed. Finally I was able to see myself as God sees me. Peaceful. Elegant. A overcomer. Beautiful and existing in a space that was created just for me.
The guy that I have been crushing on for over two years is on his way to meet me at Starbucks.
Quite a few things have happened since I met and had a conversation with him back during the first quarter of 2015, but this blog is not about that. Aside from a slew of disappointing encounters ( update blog forthcoming) and a flame for ” The Guy” that just wont burn out, nothing was stopping me from reaching out to ” The Crush”. One night he liked a picture on my Instagram and I immediately posted a Bitmoji with the caption OMG my crush just liked my picture, then deleted it about a hour later. I am just a girl with a crush that is scared of rejection and maybe a little apprehensive about coming on to strong to say something.
One sunny Sunday afternoon I slid into his Facebook DM’s and told him that I missed his posts that he used to post on Sundays. That lead to a cool conversation which eventually lead to him meeting me today at Starbucks.
I swear it was like the day before the first day of school. I woke up early, did my makeup and conjured up all of my black girl magic and headed to Starbucks. I arrived first, ordered and grabbed a seat outside. I am sure that time stopped and everything moved in slow motion ( like in the movies) for at least 4.5 seconds. My heart was beating so fast and loud. I told myself I was too grown to be acting like a nervous school girl and to calm down and breathe. I can not remember the last time a man looked me in my eyes and walked so confidently towards me and demanded my attention like that. I am willing to bet that his zodiac sign is a Leo. I was a captivated and willing audience of one letting him control the conversation. I sat right leg crossed over left , with my elbow on the table and my fist under my chin listening intently, and responding when necessary. His chocolate skin, conversation, and five o’clock shadow with a little salt and pepper in it was distracting me ( in a good way) and all of the cleaver things that I wanted to say would not make it from my head down to my mouth.
My day started off with smiles, Starbucks, a great conversation and even a couple of book recommendations. It could be something or it could be nothing at all. He said he would like to read some of my work so maybe one day I will give him the link to this post. I wonder if he will know this is about him? For now I am still smiling that goofy, toothy, corny smile, and spinning around in my chair at work saying I had breakfast with my crush in that quiet sing song way. Today was a good day.
What is sauce?
Sauce is used to describe someone who has style, grace, confidence, a magnetic smile. Someone who is considered attractive and generally described to others as out of their league. People think that a woman with a lot of sauce can have their pick when it comes to dating and dating prospects.
Well I consider myself sauceless in the city because I keep coming up short in the men, slash dating, slash relationship, slash meeting people department. Over the years I have tried Tinder, letting friends hook me up, mixers ( remember the guy) , Facebook and even meeting people face to face but seemingly all roads lead to Singleville.
I’m sauceless in the city and this is my story.
It is amazing how looking at a picture can bring back so many memories. I remember the day this picture was taken. I was sitting in the passenger seat. It was one of those beautiful picturesque days. The sun was shinning bright. The temperature had to be around 78 degrees, neither hot nor cold. Summer was coming to an end. I had my feet up on the dash board and snapped this picture of myself while sitting in the car wanting on “The Guy”. He said he wanted to take me on a date and to my surprise we actually ended up spending the entire day together. We went to a stage play put on by local actors, had lunch at a really cool Asian fusion restaurant, and then met up with some of his family and friends for an end of the summer picnic and gathering. It was just one of those weekends that I never wanted to end and I was so happy that we were together enjoying each others company. His family and friends genuinely embraced me and accepted me as I was without hesitation.
“I have never had anyone around my family before.”
“Do you take other women on dates?”
“I don’t take you on dates…. I spend whole days with you.”
My inner goddess sure was pleased that day but unfortunately that was the exception to the rule. We never spent a day like that together again.
I’m in the driver seat now. I can honestly say that we never shared many bad times. Intentions were good but after nearly a year and a half of dealing with each other he still isn’t ready for me and what I have to offer. There is a quote that says “No matter how good of a woman you are, you will never be good enough for a man who isn’t ready.” That quote is not only cleaver but very true.
Life is for the living. Enjoy the ride.