Miscarriage -10.2016

I have never felt as empty as I did when I went to have a ultrasound and there was nothing up on the monitor. The ultra sound tech went pale and I knew that something was wrong. My boyfriend at the time did not know what was going on.

No heartbeat. Nothing but a empty sack and a room heavy and cold, dense with emotion.  I could not stop the tears from falling when the words  blighted ovum escaped from the lips of my OBGYN.

I tried to be strong. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to be filled with emotions. Too many questions swirled around in my mind. I had positive pregnancy tests. I had the morning sickness, the cravings, and I actually looked very round in my belly area. I felt my body betray me.

My doctor said that my body should pass the sac and start the miscarriage process on its own but after a couple of weeks we had to schedule a D&C. My body did not want to let it go and neither did I. I went into surgery surrounded by my mom, grandma, and boyfriend. I fell asleep with one tear streaming down my face.

The vibrant, loving, free spirited, nurturing woman that I once was, gone.  I felt a piece of her die in the operating room. I felt like a stranger in the body that  I have lived in for over 30 years. I slid into depression and suffered in silence. Depression fells like you are walking around with sunglasses on. Your sunny days are not as sunny and your gloomy days feel like the end of the earth.

I am no longer that relationship and I’ll never know why I went through this experience. I have finally found peace in knowing that as sure as we live we all must surely die. I never had the opportunity to hold the baby in my arms but I will hold her in my heart forever and October will never be the same.

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2017 

Transparency Moment: 2017 has been the hardest year of my life. ( 2009 was a close second) 2017 came along with residual damage from 2016. Dealing, with 3 major losses and by February I knew I was heading down a deep dark path. What’s worse – People pretending to be your friend while looking at you sympathetically, offering empty words of encouragement they don’t even believe, then talking about you behind your back and in your face. ( family too) waiting to cheer your demise. Or pretending to have it all together on the outside while secretly dying a thousand tiny deaths everyday? Anti depressants couldn’t save me, the will to live didn’t entice me, prayers didn’t reach me, food and alcohol didn’t comfort me. I allowed men and one sided friendships take advantage of me. Life left me with more questions then answers. On 9.8.17 I went to seeking a word and left renewed. A sweet voice saying daughter you shall live and not die and in that moment I knew I would never be the same. Saturday came along with a message to Bling. Sundays message Godly interruptions was icing on the cake. This week has been hard but oh so worth it. I’m coming out on the other side. A warrior goddess, more confident than ever, the great Phoenix rising. My anger and disappointment fuel my will to live. My smile lights my path. My bitterness was for my betterment. 

6.27.2017 – The Crush

Sparkler

He makes me feel like a ignited sparkler.

Glowing bright and throwing sparks everywhere, but quickly fizzing out.

Although our interaction was brief it was much needed in my life.

We had great thought provoking conversations that grew me on a personal and spiritual level. I wrote out my personal mission statement. I was able to get some very good book recommendations, write a poem, and pick up blogging again. But most of all I was able to face my fear of rejection and tell him that I had a crush on him.

I am not sure what the future holds but I am living life and considering things in a different way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cancer

She’s only 32.

It just doesn’t seem fair that she would be battling breast cancer. 

Wife, mom, student, sister, daughter, friend, and soon to be survivor. 

Initially they thought  we were dealing with stage 1 cancer with no chemo and no radiation. 

Things aren’t always what they appear to be.

Stage 3 cancer, 8 rounds of chemo and radiation are needed and it has spread into the lymph nodes . 

A partially mascetomy was completed and a port was put in. 

After only one week of radiation an unexplainable high fever would send her to the ER only to discover a infection in the breast and a blood clot around the port.

This week her hair started falling out in clumps. 

I visited her in the hospital yesterday and even in her weakened state she just wanted to make sure that I was ok. 

I kissed her forehead at the end of our visit. 

Inside of my car I rested my head on the steering wheel and I cried. 

Bittersweet goodbyes

http://youtu.be/QVBNC9z_v6U

Over the past year if you have been keeping up with my blog you have seen peeks of “The Guy” sprinkled through out. We’ve connected, disconnected and reconnected several times over these last 13 months. So what’s different this go around? Well this bittersweet goodbye was his idea. We didn’t have a big falling out or anything. He basically hit me with the textbook ” it’s not you it’s  me” spill.  I  said ok. By then I was all talked out I didn’t have any thing further to say. 

I did receive a text from him saying he was sorry about my loss. I was half tempted to respond back and ask if he was referring to us or my grandfather? I didn’t respond but it did remind me that we were connected on social media so I corrected that. I try not to invest my time and energy into the would’ve could’ve should haves in life, but I can’t help but wonder if things would have played out differently if we both put in maximum effort. 
Dealing with death and lost has been very draining for me but I’ve been so busy at work and with my children that it hasn’t taken me under. I’m grateful for that because depression is real and if you don’t guard your mind, heart and space it’s easy for it to creep in. 

I am leaving for the Pinky Promise women’s conference this week and I am so excited. I really need to be renewed, revived and poured back into and this will be the perfect opportunity for that.  While I am at the conference, my ex husband is getting married to the person he stepped outside of our marriage with. So not only will I be dealing with him the rest of my life but her as well. My parents accepted the invitation so they will be attending as well. 

When I think about all the events going on in my life I can’t help but laugh. It’s almost surreal that this is my life right now. I’ve got a lot of living to do and I’m looking forward to the summer of fun. After all there is no where to go from here but up. 

  

Hey y’all 

I haven’t been blogging for selfish reasons. I’ve been putting my thoughts in my journal instead. I know both ” The Guy” and ” Mr. Creativity”  peek in on this space from time to time so I  intentionally took a break. Which is part of the reason I am at home on a perfect kid-free Saturday.

I wanted to go to a event tonight but I knew there would be a chance that I would run into ” The Guy” so I decided not to go. We didn’t part on bad terms   (details forth-coming) but since we’ve parted ways I haven’t returned any of his calls or texts.

My grand father died and no one hugged me except some old lady at work who smells like moth balls. Her condolences were real and heart felt. I feel she really is going to pray for my family and not just say that she will because of formality. I called my birth dad to let him know about the death because rumor has it he kept in touch with granddaddy over the years. This man offered up no condolences just said my car insurance agent is about to call let me call you back. I am grateful for inner resolve and inner strength because I really only have myself to depend on. Everyone is far to busy, far to self absorbed. Maybe people assume I’m always ok because I do my process behind the scene. I wasn’t super close with him, but my sadness and grief comes from seeing my mom go through the process. I haven’t lost a parent to death  and I can’t imagine what that feels like. Death certainly brings out people’s true colors and it’s been hard for me to sit back and watch things unfold. I’m glad his suffering is over. This has been a long process and I am looking forward to having my mom back. Working during the day, spending nights at the hospital, making final arrangements, back to back phone calls, it’s been quite the process and it seems as if I watched my mom age 5 years in the last few weeks. 

Since the last time I blogged many things have happened in my life. I started my new position at work.  I finished the man fast. Went separate ways with ” The Guy”. My sister came home from college. My daughter graduated from kindergarten and both children are out of school for the summer. My lease is up in August, and I’ve been looking for places. “Mr.Creativity” is on the run again ( the last time we were out of contact 7 years). Grandfather died and so much more.  

We all go through things. Will you let those things break you or build you? Will you learn the lesson or keep repeating the same mistakes? 

I’ve declared that this will be the summer of fun and although I’m off to a bit of a rough start I can’t wait to experience some new things. 

Day 24 of the 90 day Men fast

Maybe I fall in love to easily.

Am I the last person on this planet who is finally enjoying the artist Gregory Porter?

He has this song titled I fall in love to easily.

I think he is speaking my life and writing the words that I have hidden in my heart and transformed them into a lovely melody, which I will never grow tired of hearing.

Here are the lyrics.

Enjoy

Gregory Porter – I Fall in Love Too Easily Lyrics
Artist: Gregory Porter

Album: Liquid Spirit

I fall in love too easily

I fall in love too fast
And I fall in love too terribly hard
For love to last

My heart should be well schooled
‘Cause I’ve been fooled
Oh I’ve been fooled by you in the past
I fall in love too easily
I fall in love too fast
I’m always on the run and I hate copy paste for god’s sake
I fall in love too easily
And I, I fall in love too fast
And I fall in love too terribly hard
For love to last

And I, I whose heart should be well schooled, well schooled
‘Cause I’ve been fooled, oh I’ve been fooled by you in the past
I fall in love too easily
I fall in love way too fast
Way too fast, way too fast, too fast