6.27.2017 – The Crush

Sparkler

He makes me feel like a ignited sparkler.

Glowing bright and throwing sparks everywhere, but quickly fizzing out.

Although our interaction was brief it was much needed in my life.

We had great thought provoking conversations that grew me on a personal and spiritual level. I wrote out my personal mission statement. I was able to get some very good book recommendations, write a poem, and pick up blogging again. But most of all I was able to face my fear of rejection and tell him that I had a crush on him.

I am not sure what the future holds but I am living life and considering things in a different way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cancer

She’s only 32.

It just doesn’t seem fair that she would be battling breast cancer. 

Wife, mom, student, sister, daughter, friend, and soon to be survivor. 

Initially they thought  we were dealing with stage 1 cancer with no chemo and no radiation. 

Things aren’t always what they appear to be.

Stage 3 cancer, 8 rounds of chemo and radiation are needed and it has spread into the lymph nodes . 

A partially mascetomy was completed and a port was put in. 

After only one week of radiation an unexplainable high fever would send her to the ER only to discover a infection in the breast and a blood clot around the port.

This week her hair started falling out in clumps. 

I visited her in the hospital yesterday and even in her weakened state she just wanted to make sure that I was ok. 

I kissed her forehead at the end of our visit. 

Inside of my car I rested my head on the steering wheel and I cried. 

Bittersweet goodbyes

http://youtu.be/QVBNC9z_v6U

Over the past year if you have been keeping up with my blog you have seen peeks of “The Guy” sprinkled through out. We’ve connected, disconnected and reconnected several times over these last 13 months. So what’s different this go around? Well this bittersweet goodbye was his idea. We didn’t have a big falling out or anything. He basically hit me with the textbook ” it’s not you it’s  me” spill.  I  said ok. By then I was all talked out I didn’t have any thing further to say. 

I did receive a text from him saying he was sorry about my loss. I was half tempted to respond back and ask if he was referring to us or my grandfather? I didn’t respond but it did remind me that we were connected on social media so I corrected that. I try not to invest my time and energy into the would’ve could’ve should haves in life, but I can’t help but wonder if things would have played out differently if we both put in maximum effort. 
Dealing with death and lost has been very draining for me but I’ve been so busy at work and with my children that it hasn’t taken me under. I’m grateful for that because depression is real and if you don’t guard your mind, heart and space it’s easy for it to creep in. 

I am leaving for the Pinky Promise women’s conference this week and I am so excited. I really need to be renewed, revived and poured back into and this will be the perfect opportunity for that.  While I am at the conference, my ex husband is getting married to the person he stepped outside of our marriage with. So not only will I be dealing with him the rest of my life but her as well. My parents accepted the invitation so they will be attending as well. 

When I think about all the events going on in my life I can’t help but laugh. It’s almost surreal that this is my life right now. I’ve got a lot of living to do and I’m looking forward to the summer of fun. After all there is no where to go from here but up. 

  

Hey y’all 

I haven’t been blogging for selfish reasons. I’ve been putting my thoughts in my journal instead. I know both ” The Guy” and ” Mr. Creativity”  peek in on this space from time to time so I  intentionally took a break. Which is part of the reason I am at home on a perfect kid-free Saturday.

I wanted to go to a event tonight but I knew there would be a chance that I would run into ” The Guy” so I decided not to go. We didn’t part on bad terms   (details forth-coming) but since we’ve parted ways I haven’t returned any of his calls or texts.

My grand father died and no one hugged me except some old lady at work who smells like moth balls. Her condolences were real and heart felt. I feel she really is going to pray for my family and not just say that she will because of formality. I called my birth dad to let him know about the death because rumor has it he kept in touch with granddaddy over the years. This man offered up no condolences just said my car insurance agent is about to call let me call you back. I am grateful for inner resolve and inner strength because I really only have myself to depend on. Everyone is far to busy, far to self absorbed. Maybe people assume I’m always ok because I do my process behind the scene. I wasn’t super close with him, but my sadness and grief comes from seeing my mom go through the process. I haven’t lost a parent to death  and I can’t imagine what that feels like. Death certainly brings out people’s true colors and it’s been hard for me to sit back and watch things unfold. I’m glad his suffering is over. This has been a long process and I am looking forward to having my mom back. Working during the day, spending nights at the hospital, making final arrangements, back to back phone calls, it’s been quite the process and it seems as if I watched my mom age 5 years in the last few weeks. 

Since the last time I blogged many things have happened in my life. I started my new position at work.  I finished the man fast. Went separate ways with ” The Guy”. My sister came home from college. My daughter graduated from kindergarten and both children are out of school for the summer. My lease is up in August, and I’ve been looking for places. “Mr.Creativity” is on the run again ( the last time we were out of contact 7 years). Grandfather died and so much more.  

We all go through things. Will you let those things break you or build you? Will you learn the lesson or keep repeating the same mistakes? 

I’ve declared that this will be the summer of fun and although I’m off to a bit of a rough start I can’t wait to experience some new things. 

Day 24 of the 90 day Men fast

Maybe I fall in love to easily.

Am I the last person on this planet who is finally enjoying the artist Gregory Porter?

He has this song titled I fall in love to easily.

I think he is speaking my life and writing the words that I have hidden in my heart and transformed them into a lovely melody, which I will never grow tired of hearing.

Here are the lyrics.

Enjoy

Gregory Porter – I Fall in Love Too Easily Lyrics
Artist: Gregory Porter

Album: Liquid Spirit

I fall in love too easily

I fall in love too fast
And I fall in love too terribly hard
For love to last

My heart should be well schooled
‘Cause I’ve been fooled
Oh I’ve been fooled by you in the past
I fall in love too easily
I fall in love too fast
I’m always on the run and I hate copy paste for god’s sake
I fall in love too easily
And I, I fall in love too fast
And I fall in love too terribly hard
For love to last

And I, I whose heart should be well schooled, well schooled
‘Cause I’ve been fooled, oh I’ve been fooled by you in the past
I fall in love too easily
I fall in love way too fast
Way too fast, way too fast, too fast

Day 23 of the 90 day men Fast

Day 23 of the 90 day Men Fast

I need to be sure that you are not going to retreat every time something doesn’t go your way.

I am far from perfect when it comes to dating and relationships. As I reflect on my past dealings with men, I realize that I have made decisions based out of fear. When we are making decisions based out of fear we are operating based on past experiences which may or may not relate to what is the current reality.

Urgency

What I fear most is wasting time. I dated my ex-husband on and off for about 10 years before we decided to get married and it’s no secret that end in divorce. I just don’t have the kind of time and energy to invest in something (a relationship) or someone and it not lead to happily ever after. I would rather spend that time towards things that I feel have more value.

Maybe one day I will run into someone who makes it feel as if time is standing still and then it won’t matter if a day, a month or a year passes.

 

Day 22 of the 90 day Men Fast

 

 

What if

Everything isn’t for everyone.

What if I don’t get married again?

What if I don’t get in a relationship again?

Will I be ok with that?

Maybe I don’t get a husband.

Maybe I get my children, some really good friends, expensive bottles of wine with names I can’t pronounce ,a  closet full of shoes, a array of headwraps and maybe a cat.

A black short-haired cat with green glowing eyes.

I would be content with that.

Traveling a little more and seeing sunsets and sunrises.

I really want to fill my life with joy, love, laughter, and light and those are the things that I can do with or without a mate.

After all it is the experiences and exchanges that make life worth the living.