Over the past year if you have been keeping up with my blog you have seen peeks of “The Guy” sprinkled through out. We’ve connected, disconnected and reconnected several times over these last 13 months. So what’s different this go around? Well this bittersweet goodbye was his idea. We didn’t have a big falling out or anything. He basically hit me with the textbook ” it’s not you it’s me” spill. I said ok. By then I was all talked out I didn’t have any thing further to say.
I did receive a text from him saying he was sorry about my loss. I was half tempted to respond back and ask if he was referring to us or my grandfather? I didn’t respond but it did remind me that we were connected on social media so I corrected that. I try not to invest my time and energy into the would’ve could’ve should haves in life, but I can’t help but wonder if things would have played out differently if we both put in maximum effort.
Dealing with death and lost has been very draining for me but I’ve been so busy at work and with my children that it hasn’t taken me under. I’m grateful for that because depression is real and if you don’t guard your mind, heart and space it’s easy for it to creep in.
I am leaving for the Pinky Promise women’s conference this week and I am so excited. I really need to be renewed, revived and poured back into and this will be the perfect opportunity for that. While I am at the conference, my ex husband is getting married to the person he stepped outside of our marriage with. So not only will I be dealing with him the rest of my life but her as well. My parents accepted the invitation so they will be attending as well.
When I think about all the events going on in my life I can’t help but laugh. It’s almost surreal that this is my life right now. I’ve got a lot of living to do and I’m looking forward to the summer of fun. After all there is no where to go from here but up.
I haven’t been blogging for selfish reasons. I’ve been putting my thoughts in my journal instead. I know both ” The Guy” and ” Mr. Creativity” peek in on this space from time to time so I intentionally took a break. Which is part of the reason I am at home on a perfect kid-free Saturday.
I wanted to go to a event tonight but I knew there would be a chance that I would run into ” The Guy” so I decided not to go. We didn’t part on bad terms (details forth-coming) but since we’ve parted ways I haven’t returned any of his calls or texts.
My grand father died and no one hugged me except some old lady at work who smells like moth balls. Her condolences were real and heart felt. I feel she really is going to pray for my family and not just say that she will because of formality. I called my birth dad to let him know about the death because rumor has it he kept in touch with granddaddy over the years. This man offered up no condolences just said my car insurance agent is about to call let me call you back. I am grateful for inner resolve and inner strength because I really only have myself to depend on. Everyone is far to busy, far to self absorbed. Maybe people assume I’m always ok because I do my process behind the scene. I wasn’t super close with him, but my sadness and grief comes from seeing my mom go through the process. I haven’t lost a parent to death and I can’t imagine what that feels like. Death certainly brings out people’s true colors and it’s been hard for me to sit back and watch things unfold. I’m glad his suffering is over. This has been a long process and I am looking forward to having my mom back. Working during the day, spending nights at the hospital, making final arrangements, back to back phone calls, it’s been quite the process and it seems as if I watched my mom age 5 years in the last few weeks.
Since the last time I blogged many things have happened in my life. I started my new position at work. I finished the man fast. Went separate ways with ” The Guy”. My sister came home from college. My daughter graduated from kindergarten and both children are out of school for the summer. My lease is up in August, and I’ve been looking for places. “Mr.Creativity” is on the run again ( the last time we were out of contact 7 years). Grandfather died and so much more.
We all go through things. Will you let those things break you or build you? Will you learn the lesson or keep repeating the same mistakes?
I’ve declared that this will be the summer of fun and although I’m off to a bit of a rough start I can’t wait to experience some new things.
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. (Proverbs 4:23 NLT)
I am probably going to regret staying up so late but even my thoughts are rebellious. Sometimes my thoughts won’t let me sleep so in I go with my little iPad or one of my many journals. I often wonder how people who don’t write free their thoughts but that’s another blog for another time.
Guard your heart. Seems like a simple concept but what has presented a challenge for me is how to guard my heart without being cold hearted.
I really work hard to keep my love tank, think tank, spiritual and emotional tanks full. One way that I have been able to do that is by investing in things and people that bring much more happiness, joy and peace into my life. I eliminate or I minimize my interaction with those things or people that bring me outside my sanity, peace, or calmness. I prefer the middle and extremes in either direction ( extremely high highs or low lows) make me feel unbalanced. I desire to draw people into my calm but I will admit that there are times where people draw me into their storms.
Loving me means more than losing you. I’m at a point in life were I don’t have to prove anything and I feel that if there is someone who can’t or won’t see the value in who or what I am then they don’t deserve access to me, my life or to share in the privilege of friendship. Friendship is a privilege and its a title that I share with very few.
Guard your heart but don’t let it grow cold. For me it’s easier said then done but definitely something worth working toward.
Let’s chat. Please comment and if you have a suggestion on how to not grow cold I do hope that you will be inclined to share.
You haven’t eaten all day. You notice you have exactly .65 in the bottom of your purse. You do a celebratory dance because you know that on a typical day your debit/ credit card gets a workout. The words “I don’t carry cash on me ” could be your life’s mantra. Surely the food stars are now aligned and all though you’ve been dieting : someone, some where , wants you to have that oh-so-chocolatey-peanutty goodness. You count your newly found treasure twice just to make sure your elementary math skills are still intact. Two quarters, one dime, plus one nickel is still sixty five cents. First quarter goes in. You hear it slide and tick.In goes the second quarter. Slide and tick. Dime is in. But that nickel, why must that nickel slide and drop right out of the change slot? Frustrated but still determined because one nickel and a yellow wrapper is the only thing standing between you and the oh-so-chocolatey-peanutty goodness. That Index finger pushes past that little black door. You fish out that nickel and decide to try it again. In slides the nickel. Slide and tic. You press the letter number combination, the little snack holder spins but doesn’t drop your oh-so-chocolatey-peanutty goodness. It looks so delicious just hanging there. Your stomach growls in anticipation and your cotton mouth suddenly starts to water. It’s stuck in limbo. You stand there stunned, hungry and snack less.
Well that’s the same feeling I have when I invest in the wrong relationship and things don’t quite work the way I planned in my mind. Reflecting on all the events leading up to my snack ( relationship that doesn’t lead to marriage ) I really wanted but I didn’t need it. Just a temporary distraction from the real issue ( intention and purpose) I’m focused on my snack temporarily forgetting that I haven’t ate all day.
I really wanted that oh-so-chocolatey-peanutty goodness.
Stunned, hungry and snack less.
I’m just a girl with a iPad but
Those M&Ms sure did look good…..