Full Moon – An Ode to The Guy 

I miss him. Especially on nights like tonight when there’s a chill in the air and the moon is big and full in the dark, foggy,  sky.  He had a fascination with the moon and over time I began to see the moon with great admiration as well. On nights like tonight we would chat about how the same robust, round moon could be viewed all over the world. We would create the most tender, delicate, sexual energy on these types of nights and end up in each others arms with the moon peeking ever so gently through the blinds.  He would lay on his back, while I lay on my side, my head resting on his chest, my leg draped over both of his. I dozed off so many times in those peaceful, still hours just before dawn, listening to the slow beat of his heart.

Just as the moon sits in the sky, “ The Guy” sis in my heart. Like the moon peeks through the blinds he peeks though my thoughts from time to time. The words I love you never slipped from my lips to his ears or from his lips to my ears but maybe like the moon it’s always been there existing and on nights like this I hope he’s thinking of me too.

An Ode to The Guy because all endings aren’t happy. 

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2017 

Transparency Moment: 2017 has been the hardest year of my life. ( 2009 was a close second) 2017 came along with residual damage from 2016. Dealing, with 3 major losses and by February I knew I was heading down a deep dark path. What’s worse – People pretending to be your friend while looking at you sympathetically, offering empty words of encouragement they don’t even believe, then talking about you behind your back and in your face. ( family too) waiting to cheer your demise. Or pretending to have it all together on the outside while secretly dying a thousand tiny deaths everyday? Anti depressants couldn’t save me, the will to live didn’t entice me, prayers didn’t reach me, food and alcohol didn’t comfort me. I allowed men and one sided friendships take advantage of me. Life left me with more questions then answers. On 9.8.17 I went to seeking a word and left renewed. A sweet voice saying daughter you shall live and not die and in that moment I knew I would never be the same. Saturday came along with a message to Bling. Sundays message Godly interruptions was icing on the cake. This week has been hard but oh so worth it. I’m coming out on the other side. A warrior goddess, more confident than ever, the great Phoenix rising. My anger and disappointment fuel my will to live. My smile lights my path. My bitterness was for my betterment. 

Day 24 of the 90 day Men fast

Maybe I fall in love to easily.

Am I the last person on this planet who is finally enjoying the artist Gregory Porter?

He has this song titled I fall in love to easily.

I think he is speaking my life and writing the words that I have hidden in my heart and transformed them into a lovely melody, which I will never grow tired of hearing.

Here are the lyrics.

Enjoy

Gregory Porter – I Fall in Love Too Easily Lyrics
Artist: Gregory Porter

Album: Liquid Spirit

I fall in love too easily

I fall in love too fast
And I fall in love too terribly hard
For love to last

My heart should be well schooled
‘Cause I’ve been fooled
Oh I’ve been fooled by you in the past
I fall in love too easily
I fall in love too fast
I’m always on the run and I hate copy paste for god’s sake
I fall in love too easily
And I, I fall in love too fast
And I fall in love too terribly hard
For love to last

And I, I whose heart should be well schooled, well schooled
‘Cause I’ve been fooled, oh I’ve been fooled by you in the past
I fall in love too easily
I fall in love way too fast
Way too fast, way too fast, too fast

Day 23 of the 90 day men Fast

Day 23 of the 90 day Men Fast

I need to be sure that you are not going to retreat every time something doesn’t go your way.

I am far from perfect when it comes to dating and relationships. As I reflect on my past dealings with men, I realize that I have made decisions based out of fear. When we are making decisions based out of fear we are operating based on past experiences which may or may not relate to what is the current reality.

Urgency

What I fear most is wasting time. I dated my ex-husband on and off for about 10 years before we decided to get married and it’s no secret that end in divorce. I just don’t have the kind of time and energy to invest in something (a relationship) or someone and it not lead to happily ever after. I would rather spend that time towards things that I feel have more value.

Maybe one day I will run into someone who makes it feel as if time is standing still and then it won’t matter if a day, a month or a year passes.

 

Day 22 of the 90 day Men Fast

 

 

What if

Everything isn’t for everyone.

What if I don’t get married again?

What if I don’t get in a relationship again?

Will I be ok with that?

Maybe I don’t get a husband.

Maybe I get my children, some really good friends, expensive bottles of wine with names I can’t pronounce ,a  closet full of shoes, a array of headwraps and maybe a cat.

A black short-haired cat with green glowing eyes.

I would be content with that.

Traveling a little more and seeing sunsets and sunrises.

I really want to fill my life with joy, love, laughter, and light and those are the things that I can do with or without a mate.

After all it is the experiences and exchanges that make life worth the living.

 

 

Day 21 of the 90 day Men Fast

No more stolen goods – Part 2

Okay so yesterdays post was hard for me to post.

I never want to give people the impression that I am perfect because I know I am very far from that. But at the same time to just see the words

Well, I’ve stolen someone’s man before and in the past I have allowed men to cheat with me.

written out online for the whole world to see was a little bit surreal for me.

Was I still a believer when I was knee deep in doing my own thing? Living how I wanted to live? Doing what I wanted to do? Yes I was still a believer but my life was not reflective of those beliefs. My tree had no fruit.

Hebrews 4:13NIV

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Rather I discuss this further or continue with life as if those things were non existent I can never hide from God.

Period.

Point.

Blank.

What’s the lesson in all of this?

Here are a few that I would like to share:

  1. If someone wants to leave there is nothing you can do to make them stay.
  2. If someone wants to stay there is nothing you can do to make them leave.
  3. Transformation is real but make sure you surround yourself with people who help encourage your greatness and not those who remind you of your past or encourage the behavior that you are trying to correct.
  4. Making a bad decision does not make you a bad person. Live. Learn. Grow.
  5. Extend forgiveness even when it is not requested. Forgive yourself, forgive others.
  6. Don’t continue to operate out of a place of brokenness. Get healed. Get free.
  7. Take your time. Embrace your process and learn where you are in the process.

Day 20 of the 90 day Men Fast

No More Stolen Goods

 

On day 14 someone stole my wallet. I was at church when this happened. I am going to be completely honest here; I was upset, disappointed, hurt and confused. No one has come forward to admit that they stole my wallet. It was returned a few days later in the church mail slot but the almost $200.00 cash was missing.

I talked it over with one of my pinky promise sisters and she began to convict me and minster to me at the same time.

“How many times have we stolen from God?”

I had never given it much thought.

She continued. “We steal from God when we don’t pay our tithes and offering, or when we under pay them. We steal from God every time we misuse our time and resources. Each time we are ungrateful, hateful, mean, when we complain and also when we get an attitude. The list is endless.”

That conversation totally wrecked me. So how does this relate to the 90 day men fast? Well, I’ve stolen someone’s man before and in the past I have allowed men to cheat with me. Some times knowingly and other times unknowingly. I always rationalized it by saying, I am not married. I am not the one breaking my vows. I am not the one stepping outside of my arrangement, but when we allow things to happen that we know are not right, we play a part in the deception as well. I’ve learned that we can not always control others but we can always control our self, and our own actions and reactions.

I don’t know how many times I have stolen from God but I do know that he has shown me grace, mercy and forgiveness more times than I can ever count. I don’t know if I will ever know who took my wallet, but sometimes you have to extend forgiveness to people even if they don’t ask for it.

I know that there are some areas of my life that I can exercise a little more forgiveness. I also know that there are some areas I can ask for God’s forgiveness as well.

14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matt 6:14-15 NIV

No more stolen goods.