I miss him. Especially on nights like tonight when there’s a chill in the air and the moon is big and full in the dark, foggy, sky. He had a fascination with the moon and over time I began to see the moon with great admiration as well. On nights like tonight we would chat about how the same robust, round moon could be viewed all over the world. We would create the most tender, delicate, sexual energy on these types of nights and end up in each others arms with the moon peeking ever so gently through the blinds. He would lay on his back, while I lay on my side, my head resting on his chest, my leg draped over both of his. I dozed off so many times in those peaceful, still hours just before dawn, listening to the slow beat of his heart.
Just as the moon sits in the sky, “ The Guy” sis in my heart. Like the moon peeks through the blinds he peeks though my thoughts from time to time. The words I love you never slipped from my lips to his ears or from his lips to my ears but maybe like the moon it’s always been there existing and on nights like this I hope he’s thinking of me too.
An Ode to The Guy because all endings aren’t happy.
Transparency Moment: 2017 has been the hardest year of my life. ( 2009 was a close second) 2017 came along with residual damage from 2016. Dealing, with 3 major losses and by February I knew I was heading down a deep dark path. What’s worse – People pretending to be your friend while looking at you sympathetically, offering empty words of encouragement they don’t even believe, then talking about you behind your back and in your face. ( family too) waiting to cheer your demise. Or pretending to have it all together on the outside while secretly dying a thousand tiny deaths everyday? Anti depressants couldn’t save me, the will to live didn’t entice me, prayers didn’t reach me, food and alcohol didn’t comfort me. I allowed men and one sided friendships take advantage of me. Life left me with more questions then answers. On 9.8.17 I went to seeking a word and left renewed. A sweet voice saying daughter you shall live and not die and in that moment I knew I would never be the same. Saturday came along with a message to Bling. Sundays message Godly interruptions was icing on the cake. This week has been hard but oh so worth it. I’m coming out on the other side. A warrior goddess, more confident than ever, the great Phoenix rising. My anger and disappointment fuel my will to live. My smile lights my path. My bitterness was for my betterment.
[ disˈmisiv ]
feeling or showing that something is unworthy of consideration:
I have a tendency to be dismissive especially when it comes to matters of the heart. If I can not trust someone who is trying to date me to handle my heart, time, and energy with care; then I definitely can’t trust that same person to do right by me in terms of a friendship. My life is not a revolving door. I know what I want. I can’t afford to let people enter and exit at will. There were times in my early 20’s when I allowed men to have on again off again relationships with me. Being divorced and over 30 has definitely changed my perspective on things. I’ve learned that people will do what you allow them to do. If you allow them to put you on the back burner, they certainly will. If you allow them to make plans and reschedule them at the last minute, they most certainly will. If you let them waste your time, they will think that you have time in excess to waste. Life is too short to be unhappy. Find what you love and do more of that.
During a conversation with my mom she said, “Always follow your heart. It will lead you to the one who brings you closer to your peace.” My moms’ infamous 2 liners always resonate with me, and give me something to ponder. When I think about my last two very serious relationships (the one with my ex husband, and the most recent relationship I got out of) they didn’t lead me closer to my peace. With my ex husband initially when we met I was his peace, his escape, his bridge between his current situation and his future. While I know what I was to him, I can’t say that he helped bring me closer to my peace. In fact towards the end of that relationship I was further away from peace and anything that looked like or resembled peace. I was close to being outside of my mind; I was depressed and needed God and anti- depressants to come up out of that pit. Peace was very far away. With the last relationship I was in there was never any peace. The glue that kept us together was sex, passion, lies, deceit, and drama, anything but peace.
Could it be that while on the quest for love, I should have been on the quest for peace? I have found that where there is peace there is love but where there is love there isn’t always peace. A road paved with peace and love will lead you on a journey to a place where happiness grows in abundance. Always fall for the one who brings you closer to your peace.
No longer single and ready to mingle, currently on a peace seeking mission.
Life would be much easier if a little timer went off so you would know when you are completely over someone. In Feb I wrote about how I was out with someone other than my ex and I was thinking about him a lot, and almost felt like I was cheating on him or doing something wrong even though we were no longer together.
Well a couple of weeks ago I was out with ” The Guy” and ran into one of my ex’s friends. I knew that at some point I would be dealing with this situation or something similar. I was glad that he ran into me on that day because on that night I was definitely on point with everything . We both actually ran into a few friends on that night.
I didn’t feel anything like I did back in February and if we hadn’t ran into that person my ex never would have even crossed my mind. Things change. People change. Thoughts and ideas change. Life is forever evolving and those who adjust to accommodate change, win.
Single and Mingling
Have you ever had one of those never ending tiring weeks? Well that was me this week. Craziness at work, my phone couldn’t make incoming or outgoing calls, I had a disagreement with ” The Guy” ( we later made up ) , my kids visitation was thrown off, and I didn’t work out at all.
My car is in need of repairs so I took it to the repair shop. I was having a exhaust system issue, I needed new brakes ( found out I needed rotors as well) new tires ( had a blow out last Saturday) and a oil change. Well my dad asked what I was doing and ended up meeting me at the car shop. There was no hug or anything like that I said Hey and he came and sat by me. We had some conversation , spent most of the day together and he paid for my repairs. It has been about a couple of years since we seen each other.
At the end of the day people are just people. Sometimes you have to just let go and go with the flow. Yes I have unanswered questions and maybe one day we will have that conversation but it profits me nothing to dwell on the past when I could be working on the future.
I handle all new relationships with care, it will be interesting to see how this plays out.
I believe that I have grown as a women. This year I refused to focus on all the negative feelings I have towards my dad. This year the anger and disdain I normally feel didn’t creep up on me. I didn’t feel like knocking over Father’s Day card displays. I didn’t like or create any daddy bashing FB posts. I woke up said my prayers, dropped my kids off to their dad and went to church. I came home, washed dishes and cleaned house.
I’m in the process of meal prepping for the week. It’s more important that I prepare for the week instead of focus on the past. There was no card, no calls, no dinner or anything for my dad. We’ve missed countless birthdays, and important events. He doesn’t call me on Mother’s Day. I don’t call him on Father’s Day. It’s nothing new it’s just what we’ve always done.
Yesterday I had a tire blow out with my kids in the car. I called a few friends but no one was able to assist me. My step dad of course dropped everything to drive across town and save the day. He’s just awesome like that. I consider myself blessed because even though my birth father wasn’t there I have a slew of uncles, and a step dad that are always there for me. I survived Father’s Day and was able to spend a little time in church with my real super heroes. My super heroes are the men who continue to save the day. The men who make it easy to be me. Then men who remind me that I can’t do it all and it’s ok to fall back and let them help me.
I survived Fathers Day 2014! Now where’s my t-shirt?