I miss him. Especially on nights like tonight when there’s a chill in the air and the moon is big and full in the dark, foggy, sky. He had a fascination with the moon and over time I began to see the moon with great admiration as well. On nights like tonight we would chat about how the same robust, round moon could be viewed all over the world. We would create the most tender, delicate, sexual energy on these types of nights and end up in each others arms with the moon peeking ever so gently through the blinds. He would lay on his back, while I lay on my side, my head resting on his chest, my leg draped over both of his. I dozed off so many times in those peaceful, still hours just before dawn, listening to the slow beat of his heart.
Just as the moon sits in the sky, “ The Guy” sis in my heart. Like the moon peeks through the blinds he peeks though my thoughts from time to time. The words I love you never slipped from my lips to his ears or from his lips to my ears but maybe like the moon it’s always been there existing and on nights like this I hope he’s thinking of me too.
An Ode to The Guy because all endings aren’t happy.
Transparency Moment: 2017 has been the hardest year of my life. ( 2009 was a close second) 2017 came along with residual damage from 2016. Dealing, with 3 major losses and by February I knew I was heading down a deep dark path. What’s worse – People pretending to be your friend while looking at you sympathetically, offering empty words of encouragement they don’t even believe, then talking about you behind your back and in your face. ( family too) waiting to cheer your demise. Or pretending to have it all together on the outside while secretly dying a thousand tiny deaths everyday? Anti depressants couldn’t save me, the will to live didn’t entice me, prayers didn’t reach me, food and alcohol didn’t comfort me. I allowed men and one sided friendships take advantage of me. Life left me with more questions then answers. On 9.8.17 I went to seeking a word and left renewed. A sweet voice saying daughter you shall live and not die and in that moment I knew I would never be the same. Saturday came along with a message to Bling. Sundays message Godly interruptions was icing on the cake. This week has been hard but oh so worth it. I’m coming out on the other side. A warrior goddess, more confident than ever, the great Phoenix rising. My anger and disappointment fuel my will to live. My smile lights my path. My bitterness was for my betterment.
Over the past year if you have been keeping up with my blog you have seen peeks of “The Guy” sprinkled through out. We’ve connected, disconnected and reconnected several times over these last 13 months. So what’s different this go around? Well this bittersweet goodbye was his idea. We didn’t have a big falling out or anything. He basically hit me with the textbook ” it’s not you it’s me” spill. I said ok. By then I was all talked out I didn’t have any thing further to say.
I did receive a text from him saying he was sorry about my loss. I was half tempted to respond back and ask if he was referring to us or my grandfather? I didn’t respond but it did remind me that we were connected on social media so I corrected that. I try not to invest my time and energy into the would’ve could’ve should haves in life, but I can’t help but wonder if things would have played out differently if we both put in maximum effort.
Dealing with death and lost has been very draining for me but I’ve been so busy at work and with my children that it hasn’t taken me under. I’m grateful for that because depression is real and if you don’t guard your mind, heart and space it’s easy for it to creep in.
I am leaving for the Pinky Promise women’s conference this week and I am so excited. I really need to be renewed, revived and poured back into and this will be the perfect opportunity for that. While I am at the conference, my ex husband is getting married to the person he stepped outside of our marriage with. So not only will I be dealing with him the rest of my life but her as well. My parents accepted the invitation so they will be attending as well.
When I think about all the events going on in my life I can’t help but laugh. It’s almost surreal that this is my life right now. I’ve got a lot of living to do and I’m looking forward to the summer of fun. After all there is no where to go from here but up.
I haven’t been blogging for selfish reasons. I’ve been putting my thoughts in my journal instead. I know both ” The Guy” and ” Mr. Creativity” peek in on this space from time to time so I intentionally took a break. Which is part of the reason I am at home on a perfect kid-free Saturday.
I wanted to go to a event tonight but I knew there would be a chance that I would run into ” The Guy” so I decided not to go. We didn’t part on bad terms (details forth-coming) but since we’ve parted ways I haven’t returned any of his calls or texts.
My grand father died and no one hugged me except some old lady at work who smells like moth balls. Her condolences were real and heart felt. I feel she really is going to pray for my family and not just say that she will because of formality. I called my birth dad to let him know about the death because rumor has it he kept in touch with granddaddy over the years. This man offered up no condolences just said my car insurance agent is about to call let me call you back. I am grateful for inner resolve and inner strength because I really only have myself to depend on. Everyone is far to busy, far to self absorbed. Maybe people assume I’m always ok because I do my process behind the scene. I wasn’t super close with him, but my sadness and grief comes from seeing my mom go through the process. I haven’t lost a parent to death and I can’t imagine what that feels like. Death certainly brings out people’s true colors and it’s been hard for me to sit back and watch things unfold. I’m glad his suffering is over. This has been a long process and I am looking forward to having my mom back. Working during the day, spending nights at the hospital, making final arrangements, back to back phone calls, it’s been quite the process and it seems as if I watched my mom age 5 years in the last few weeks.
Since the last time I blogged many things have happened in my life. I started my new position at work. I finished the man fast. Went separate ways with ” The Guy”. My sister came home from college. My daughter graduated from kindergarten and both children are out of school for the summer. My lease is up in August, and I’ve been looking for places. “Mr.Creativity” is on the run again ( the last time we were out of contact 7 years). Grandfather died and so much more.
We all go through things. Will you let those things break you or build you? Will you learn the lesson or keep repeating the same mistakes?
I’ve declared that this will be the summer of fun and although I’m off to a bit of a rough start I can’t wait to experience some new things.
Date with my little people
Today I took my little people on a date to see a stage play about bullying. It was a great event. I am so happy that they are interested in the arts at such a early age ( 6 and 7).
I do the same preparation when I go on a date with my little people as if I was going out on a date with a guy. I let them choose my clothes. They picked a black shirt, jeans and flats. Then I completed my outfit with my head wrap, earrings, and make-up. My children did not sit with me. They saw some friends from school and decided to sit with them . I thought I had a few more years of mommy time. We hung out until 10:30 pm on a school night and I enjoyed every minute of it.
Spring is nearly here.
I am looking forward to spring cleaning. Packing up winter clothes, getting rid of the things I don’t need and just a nice clean, open, organized space.
Today I took myself to get a manicure and pedicure.
I don’t have to be in a relationship or have anyone to impress. I like to look good and feel good for myself. Love yourself.
Psalms 139: 14 I will praise thee, for I am fearfully, wonderfully made.
I don’t owe you anything!
“I see that you have changed your number.”
“Yes that is true.”
“Can I have your number?”
“You have my Google number.”
“I want your real number.”
“Why can’t I have your real number?”
“The last time you had my real number you were not responsible. Because of your carelessness someone started texting and calling me that I didn’t want to speak with. Actually I don’t owe you an explanation. I said no and that should be the end of it.”
Defeated he walked away.
It is okay to say no to unnecessary Crazy. Maybe I could have been a little nicer in my delivery? I am just tired of people thinking that you owe them something and I needed to be direct.
This fast is about so much more than fasting from men. It’s about focus, intention, and reclaiming my peace, joy and happiness. Some times ” NO” is a part of the process.