One night after a particularly rough day, I found myself looking in the bathroom mirror, after a long hot bath. No make-up on just a towel, droplets of water on my décolletage, steam on the bathroom mirror. One tear slid slowly down my cheek. Still unsure if it was the emotions of the day or the realization that I did not see myself the way that God sees me.
Two things happened that night. I prayed and I cried. I cried and I prayed. I really wanted to see myself the way God sees me. I really desired to know him more, in a deeper way, and to acquire more understanding. I did not realize it at the time but He knows the desires of my heart.
On my birthday, April 24th I was contacted by a photographer to do a session. I should have known it would be a life changing experience because everything that could go wrong that weekend leading up to the photo session went wrong. It was a early, chilly, brisk but sunny morning. I showed up in a ho hum mood, and with feelings of inadequacy. In no time the camera was snapping, I was taking direction from the photographer, and it turned out to be a great photo session.
The pictures captured my true essence and a peaceful elegance that I have not seen in quite a while. In those early morning moments I connected with nature, my photographer and with God ( the goddess) within. That session also solidified my friendship with my photographer and a business relationship was formed. Finally I was able to see myself as God sees me. Peaceful. Elegant. A overcomer. Beautiful and existing in a space that was created just for me.
I grew up hearing things from my mom like “she’s from the show me state and she don’t believe fat meat is greasy” when making reference to me. I don’t believe I was a hard headed child but even as a child I never put much stock or value into lip service. The Easter bunny, Santa Clause, tooth fairy – all lies. Also growing up with a dad who’s actions didn’t always match his words all contributed to my ” I’ll believe it when I see it” attitude.
For the most part that frame of thinking has served me well with the exception of religious beliefs and relationships. Allow me to explain. Yes I do believe in God and that there is a higher power out there but at times my faith is weak. Faith has a lot to do with hope in things that may not be tangible, which is a direct conflict to my ” I’ll believe it when I see it” attitude. I will: desire something
believe that it is mine
and still be shocked, and surprised when I get it or when it works out.
I have that same pattern of thinking even when I am doing the things that I love and are historically good at i.e writing a piece for my blog, cooking my favorite recipes from memory, or killing a workout that I’ve completed with no problems in the past.
In relationships I don’t believe that I am liked, loved, cherished or desired until it is shown. If you miss me, act like you do. If you love me, act like you do. If you are interested, act like you are. Such a simplistic concept to me however things get murky when good intentions lack the execution to see it to fruition. Good intentions + poor execution = frustration and irritability.
Who likes to be a after thought? Who likes to be the very last thing that is squeezed in after a busy day? Who intends to be the low man on the totem pole all the time? Those situations are likely to occur occasionally but if it is the rule rather than the exception it just doesn’t accommodate my lifestyle. I seek clarity in all things but a persons words are but a whisper when their actions state otherwise, when their actions are in a direct conflict with what they say. We’ve dealt with inconsistency since childhood which dances around our core thus creating broken pieces, wise words from my girlfriend SoulPowerBeautifulMind .
For some it may not be that deep, but for me I’m into picking up the pieces not creating more discontent. Sometimes we have all the pieces of the puzzle and they still don’t fit.
I’m in a show me state of mind.
I welcome comments and dialogue so don’t be shy. Give me whatcha got!