I miss him. Especially on nights like tonight when there’s a chill in the air and the moon is big and full in the dark, foggy, sky. He had a fascination with the moon and over time I began to see the moon with great admiration as well. On nights like tonight we would chat about how the same robust, round moon could be viewed all over the world. We would create the most tender, delicate, sexual energy on these types of nights and end up in each others arms with the moon peeking ever so gently through the blinds. He would lay on his back, while I lay on my side, my head resting on his chest, my leg draped over both of his. I dozed off so many times in those peaceful, still hours just before dawn, listening to the slow beat of his heart.
Just as the moon sits in the sky, “ The Guy” sis in my heart. Like the moon peeks through the blinds he peeks though my thoughts from time to time. The words I love you never slipped from my lips to his ears or from his lips to my ears but maybe like the moon it’s always been there existing and on nights like this I hope he’s thinking of me too.
An Ode to The Guy because all endings aren’t happy.
Transparency Moment: 2017 has been the hardest year of my life. ( 2009 was a close second) 2017 came along with residual damage from 2016. Dealing, with 3 major losses and by February I knew I was heading down a deep dark path. What’s worse – People pretending to be your friend while looking at you sympathetically, offering empty words of encouragement they don’t even believe, then talking about you behind your back and in your face. ( family too) waiting to cheer your demise. Or pretending to have it all together on the outside while secretly dying a thousand tiny deaths everyday? Anti depressants couldn’t save me, the will to live didn’t entice me, prayers didn’t reach me, food and alcohol didn’t comfort me. I allowed men and one sided friendships take advantage of me. Life left me with more questions then answers. On 9.8.17 I went to seeking a word and left renewed. A sweet voice saying daughter you shall live and not die and in that moment I knew I would never be the same. Saturday came along with a message to Bling. Sundays message Godly interruptions was icing on the cake. This week has been hard but oh so worth it. I’m coming out on the other side. A warrior goddess, more confident than ever, the great Phoenix rising. My anger and disappointment fuel my will to live. My smile lights my path. My bitterness was for my betterment.
When was the last time you made a conscious effort to make someones day?
Oh how I love the power of the internet.
I was able to send my little sitter a edible arrangement to her college dorm 600 miles away from me.
I remember being in college and being so excited just to get mail.
I was able to encourage her and put a unexpected smile on her face.
There will always be people who say they support you.
I want to be the type of sister who shows my support.
I just always want my sister to know that she has a support system, and we love and think about her often.
The card that I sent with the arrangement said
Although we are several miles apart,
You are always close to our heart.
Sometimes we break our own hearts by setting expectations for people who are unqualified or uninterested in meeting them. Stop breaking your own heart.
[ disˈmisiv ]
feeling or showing that something is unworthy of consideration:
I have a tendency to be dismissive especially when it comes to matters of the heart. If I can not trust someone who is trying to date me to handle my heart, time, and energy with care; then I definitely can’t trust that same person to do right by me in terms of a friendship. My life is not a revolving door. I know what I want. I can’t afford to let people enter and exit at will. There were times in my early 20’s when I allowed men to have on again off again relationships with me. Being divorced and over 30 has definitely changed my perspective on things. I’ve learned that people will do what you allow them to do. If you allow them to put you on the back burner, they certainly will. If you allow them to make plans and reschedule them at the last minute, they most certainly will. If you let them waste your time, they will think that you have time in excess to waste. Life is too short to be unhappy. Find what you love and do more of that.
I’ve always dreamt of Africa.
To have my chocolate skin kissed by the sun.
To go on a safari in a Jeep with no doors.
Animals in their natural habitat roaming freely.
I want to get saturated by rain in a rain forest.
To see dancers dance around a fire.
I sometimes feel the heavy beat of drums in my heart.
Rich Ankara fabrics tailored fit for me and a gele skillfully wrapped around my head.
To see the most beautiful open air sunset with colors skillfully painted across the sky.
I want to see the pyramids my ancestors built with their hands and sand dunes.
The rhythmic sounds of dialects unknown to my ears sound like the lyrics of a song I’ve never heard but loved upon first listen.
I dreamt of Africa.
He dreams of America.
Land of the free and home of the brave.
A future with endless opportunity.
A chance to make his own way and to be able to send money back home.
A good life, a safe home with lots of children and a beautiful wife.
“You are beautiful. My angel, my love, my sunshine. You are the best part of me” he says. “Everything you say sounds like a song “I reply. “That’s because the words I say bypass your ears and get written on your heart” he replies. I am flattered by I don’t believe him. He’s just dreaming of America. Technology allows free international calls and Skype allows us too see each other but it’s not the same. I don’t have the desire or dedication to overcome a 6 hour time difference or to be swept up in a whirlwind international relationship. The possibilities they sure did feel good.
I look at my passport and I know just one day of travel and a $1000 plane ticket can make my dreams of Africa come true. It’s within reach but for now I’m here in bed dreaming of Africa and writing my blog.
6:34 am on a Sunday. He’s so intrusive. He shows up in my dreams at least once a week. I don’t want to like. I don’t want to love. I don’t want to be in love. Durning waking hours I find my self letting my thoughts drift off. I’m day dreaming about wearing headwraps, having locs, being pregnant and having all of his chocolate curly haired babies. I’ve always dreamt of chocolate curly haired babies at least 10 years. Tonight he’s standing by a big cherry wood antique dresser with a oversized mirror cleaning a ring. His back is turned to me. He’s going on and on about one of his friends meeting someone and falling in love with them in two weeks. He says it’s pretty serious and his friend is going to propose. He asks me what I think about it. I roll my eyes, and blow air, my usual response. Why do you always have time for other people and not me? I’m sitting cross legged on the wood floor in the same room staring at the incense smoke billowing up towards the ceiling in the corner. It has me entranced I’m sure. I’m focused on the lovely dance the incense smoke is doing towards the ceiling. I can’t believe the thought that was in my head crossed my lips. Why do you always have time for other people and not for me? Lost in my thoughts. He’s kissing my face and tickling me now. But I’m here now – his usual response. I swear I want to be mad but I just can’t be. I’m laughing so loud the sound wakes me up momentarily I feel myself stir but I don’t wake up. To my delight and surprise I’m still dreaming. We are laying on the floor in our usual positions. Him on his back with one arm behind his head. I’m laying on my side with my head resting on his chest, my arm and legged draped possessively over his. I look up and my manger from work is standing in the door way. I’m confused as to why she is here. I look at him but his eyes reveal nothing. She says I have some news for you. He has received a promotion and will be moving to another state tomorrow. I am devastated. But why? I whisper. Everything that I want to stay leaves and everything I want to leave stays. I’m awake. Wide awake now staring into the darkness with more questions than answers. I know we should talk soon but for now I frantically search for my iPad. For now I write….