I have never felt as empty as I did when I went to have a ultrasound and there was nothing up on the monitor. The ultra sound tech went pale and I knew that something was wrong. My boyfriend at the time did not know what was going on.
No heartbeat. Nothing but a empty sack and a room heavy and cold, dense with emotion. I could not stop the tears from falling when the words blighted ovum escaped from the lips of my OBGYN.
I tried to be strong. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to be filled with emotions. Too many questions swirled around in my mind. I had positive pregnancy tests. I had the morning sickness, the cravings, and I actually looked very round in my belly area. I felt my body betray me.
My doctor said that my body should pass the sac and start the miscarriage process on its own but after a couple of weeks we had to schedule a D&C. My body did not want to let it go and neither did I. I went into surgery surrounded by my mom, grandma, and boyfriend. I fell asleep with one tear streaming down my face.
The vibrant, loving, free spirited, nurturing woman that I once was, gone. I felt a piece of her die in the operating room. I felt like a stranger in the body that I have lived in for over 30 years. I slid into depression and suffered in silence. Depression fells like you are walking around with sunglasses on. Your sunny days are not as sunny and your gloomy days feel like the end of the earth.
I am no longer that relationship and I’ll never know why I went through this experience. I have finally found peace in knowing that as sure as we live we all must surely die. I never had the opportunity to hold the baby in my arms but I will hold her in my heart forever and October will never be the same.
One night after a particularly rough day, I found myself looking in the bathroom mirror, after a long hot bath. No make-up on just a towel, droplets of water on my décolletage, steam on the bathroom mirror. One tear slid slowly down my cheek. Still unsure if it was the emotions of the day or the realization that I did not see myself the way that God sees me.
Two things happened that night. I prayed and I cried. I cried and I prayed. I really wanted to see myself the way God sees me. I really desired to know him more, in a deeper way, and to acquire more understanding. I did not realize it at the time but He knows the desires of my heart.
On my birthday, April 24th I was contacted by a photographer to do a session. I should have known it would be a life changing experience because everything that could go wrong that weekend leading up to the photo session went wrong. It was a early, chilly, brisk but sunny morning. I showed up in a ho hum mood, and with feelings of inadequacy. In no time the camera was snapping, I was taking direction from the photographer, and it turned out to be a great photo session.
The pictures captured my true essence and a peaceful elegance that I have not seen in quite a while. In those early morning moments I connected with nature, my photographer and with God ( the goddess) within. That session also solidified my friendship with my photographer and a business relationship was formed. Finally I was able to see myself as God sees me. Peaceful. Elegant. A overcomer. Beautiful and existing in a space that was created just for me.
In general I am a outgoing person. What most people don’t know is I am extremely nervous around people I don’t know. I’m talking – OH my goodness I hope I don’t have a panic attack- please don’t let me trip or fall down- is there a booger in my nose- I can’t breathe- I hope I don’t say anything dumb- my hands are sweating- I hope my deodorant doesn’t stop working – nervous, nervous.
It never fails, some one is bound to ask. What do you do? My 9-5 is a customer service representative. A necessary job (all though with advancing technology and outsourcing it’s gradually becoming obsolete) but not a lifelong, I’m changing the world kind of career. You don’t have to be the brightest, most intelligent, or even the most friendly these days to be a customer service representative. It’s not what I aspired to do. I just fell into it and I’m very good at it. How long will I be in this line of work? Something I’m really good at but doesn’t challenge me or give me that warm , fuzzy feeling. I’m so tired of living below my potential. I am going to put some real thought into what I want to do and one day I will be proud of the answer to that unavoidable question What do you do?