I miss him. Especially on nights like tonight when there’s a chill in the air and the moon is big and full in the dark, foggy, sky. He had a fascination with the moon and over time I began to see the moon with great admiration as well. On nights like tonight we would chat about how the same robust, round moon could be viewed all over the world. We would create the most tender, delicate, sexual energy on these types of nights and end up in each others arms with the moon peeking ever so gently through the blinds. He would lay on his back, while I lay on my side, my head resting on his chest, my leg draped over both of his. I dozed off so many times in those peaceful, still hours just before dawn, listening to the slow beat of his heart.
Just as the moon sits in the sky, “ The Guy” sis in my heart. Like the moon peeks through the blinds he peeks though my thoughts from time to time. The words I love you never slipped from my lips to his ears or from his lips to my ears but maybe like the moon it’s always been there existing and on nights like this I hope he’s thinking of me too.
An Ode to The Guy because all endings aren’t happy.
Transparency Moment: 2017 has been the hardest year of my life. ( 2009 was a close second) 2017 came along with residual damage from 2016. Dealing, with 3 major losses and by February I knew I was heading down a deep dark path. What’s worse – People pretending to be your friend while looking at you sympathetically, offering empty words of encouragement they don’t even believe, then talking about you behind your back and in your face. ( family too) waiting to cheer your demise. Or pretending to have it all together on the outside while secretly dying a thousand tiny deaths everyday? Anti depressants couldn’t save me, the will to live didn’t entice me, prayers didn’t reach me, food and alcohol didn’t comfort me. I allowed men and one sided friendships take advantage of me. Life left me with more questions then answers. On 9.8.17 I went to seeking a word and left renewed. A sweet voice saying daughter you shall live and not die and in that moment I knew I would never be the same. Saturday came along with a message to Bling. Sundays message Godly interruptions was icing on the cake. This week has been hard but oh so worth it. I’m coming out on the other side. A warrior goddess, more confident than ever, the great Phoenix rising. My anger and disappointment fuel my will to live. My smile lights my path. My bitterness was for my betterment.
What is sauce?
Sauce is used to describe someone who has style, grace, confidence, a magnetic smile. Someone who is considered attractive and generally described to others as out of their league. People think that a woman with a lot of sauce can have their pick when it comes to dating and dating prospects.
Well I consider myself sauceless in the city because I keep coming up short in the men, slash dating, slash relationship, slash meeting people department. Over the years I have tried Tinder, letting friends hook me up, mixers ( remember the guy) , Facebook and even meeting people face to face but seemingly all roads lead to Singleville.
I’m sauceless in the city and this is my story.
[ disˈmisiv ]
feeling or showing that something is unworthy of consideration:
I have a tendency to be dismissive especially when it comes to matters of the heart. If I can not trust someone who is trying to date me to handle my heart, time, and energy with care; then I definitely can’t trust that same person to do right by me in terms of a friendship. My life is not a revolving door. I know what I want. I can’t afford to let people enter and exit at will. There were times in my early 20’s when I allowed men to have on again off again relationships with me. Being divorced and over 30 has definitely changed my perspective on things. I’ve learned that people will do what you allow them to do. If you allow them to put you on the back burner, they certainly will. If you allow them to make plans and reschedule them at the last minute, they most certainly will. If you let them waste your time, they will think that you have time in excess to waste. Life is too short to be unhappy. Find what you love and do more of that.
I don’t like long drawn out goodbyes. I never have. I am such a cut and dry person. I deal best in the black and white areas of it all. I become quickly agitated and uninterested when it comes to playing guessing games, existing in the grey area, or if things just don’t seem to add up. The unfortunate thing is when dealing with the opposite sex; they don’t often realize that I have gotten to this point until it’s too late. Once I have decided that I am going to proceed with something I give it my full 100%. The same thing applies if I am finished with something, I am 100% finished. It may have something to do with being a Taurus. I hear we are stubborn. So while it may take me a while to come up with a decision (the hesitation is because I like to weigh all options carefully) once a decision is made its final.
Have you ever feel in love with potentional? It’s so easy to do, but women must be careful to never be so focused on the future that it deflects from the current reality. Sure the guy you are dating may be working on his self, building a business, finishing a degree or a plethora of other things but in the mist of it all if he is serious about you and interested his actions will indicate such.
So who’s counting who? Women by nature are caring, nutring, loving and expressive, but while you are calling, texting, scheduling dates, and doing sweet little things to let him know you care ask yourself if reciprocity is being exercised. If you can answer no then you must take the necessary steps to either change your situation or leave it alone. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for continued disappointment.
Relax. What is meant to be will be and it won’t have to be forced. It will be a source of happiness and not a added stress. Oftentimes the answers we seek are plainly before us. Don’t let potential emotions cloud present day reality.
The cold hard truth,
Whose courting who?
During a conversation with my mom she said, “Always follow your heart. It will lead you to the one who brings you closer to your peace.” My moms’ infamous 2 liners always resonate with me, and give me something to ponder. When I think about my last two very serious relationships (the one with my ex husband, and the most recent relationship I got out of) they didn’t lead me closer to my peace. With my ex husband initially when we met I was his peace, his escape, his bridge between his current situation and his future. While I know what I was to him, I can’t say that he helped bring me closer to my peace. In fact towards the end of that relationship I was further away from peace and anything that looked like or resembled peace. I was close to being outside of my mind; I was depressed and needed God and anti- depressants to come up out of that pit. Peace was very far away. With the last relationship I was in there was never any peace. The glue that kept us together was sex, passion, lies, deceit, and drama, anything but peace.
Could it be that while on the quest for love, I should have been on the quest for peace? I have found that where there is peace there is love but where there is love there isn’t always peace. A road paved with peace and love will lead you on a journey to a place where happiness grows in abundance. Always fall for the one who brings you closer to your peace.
No longer single and ready to mingle, currently on a peace seeking mission.