Miscarriage -10.2016

I have never felt as empty as I did when I went to have a ultrasound and there was nothing up on the monitor. The ultra sound tech went pale and I knew that something was wrong. My boyfriend at the time did not know what was going on.

No heartbeat. Nothing but a empty sack and a room heavy and cold, dense with emotion.  I could not stop the tears from falling when the words  blighted ovum escaped from the lips of my OBGYN.

I tried to be strong. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to be filled with emotions. Too many questions swirled around in my mind. I had positive pregnancy tests. I had the morning sickness, the cravings, and I actually looked very round in my belly area. I felt my body betray me.

My doctor said that my body should pass the sac and start the miscarriage process on its own but after a couple of weeks we had to schedule a D&C. My body did not want to let it go and neither did I. I went into surgery surrounded by my mom, grandma, and boyfriend. I fell asleep with one tear streaming down my face.

The vibrant, loving, free spirited, nurturing woman that I once was, gone.  I felt a piece of her die in the operating room. I felt like a stranger in the body that  I have lived in for over 30 years. I slid into depression and suffered in silence. Depression fells like you are walking around with sunglasses on. Your sunny days are not as sunny and your gloomy days feel like the end of the earth.

I am no longer that relationship and I’ll never know why I went through this experience. I have finally found peace in knowing that as sure as we live we all must surely die. I never had the opportunity to hold the baby in my arms but I will hold her in my heart forever and October will never be the same.

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Sauceless in the City

What is sauce?

Sauce is used to describe someone who has style, grace, confidence, a magnetic smile. Someone who is considered attractive and generally described to others as out of their league. People think that a woman with a lot of sauce can have their pick when it comes to dating and dating prospects.

Well I  consider myself sauceless in the city because I keep coming up short in the men, slash dating, slash relationship, slash meeting people department. Over the years I have tried Tinder, letting friends hook me up, mixers ( remember the guy) ,  Facebook and even meeting people face to face but seemingly all roads lead to Singleville.

I’m sauceless in the city and this is my story.

A moment of solitude

I don’t always want to be pursued, dated, courted. On most days I don’t yearn for a mate, and I don’t desire to exist in the confines of a relationship. I don’t always desire to be one half of a whole. I feel very complete just here by myself.
I would like a hand to hold. A shoulder to lay my head on, a extra set of ears to enjoy listening to the wind stirring the leaves simultaneously creating a beautiful unintentional melody on a wind chime. The rhythmic breathing, in sync heartbeat, that is not my own. A moment of solitude. To bask in a shared peaceful moment. To quiet my thoughts. To hear from the universe. Stolen moments. To know that the world can be mean, cold, and chaotic but I am untouchable because I am peaceful, lovable and full of joy. Just because I exist. I am wonderfully made. I am a dreamer.